oh what to do on saturdays?

so its saturday. and its raining. not surprising. but its a little warmer out so thats good. i have the doors open and lisas leaving them open. she keeps telling me to turn the fan on instead when its a lil colder, but sorry i need fresh air hehe. and for some reason i usually get a mirane from the heat or fan. i usually like this rainy weather, but im really sick of it now. this october has been nothing but rain and i would love it to be cool and sunny out. i really miss it. so im debating what colour to dye my hair. i need something changed. maybe a deep brown or something? i usually lean towards the reds and blondes but i think, right now its more like my original colour and i wanna go a little darker. i think i just am really bored today and need to do something lol. tonight im suppose to go out with jen just hang out or something with some of her friends and cousins. i dunno its kinda weird cause ive hung around them before but i think because theyve known eachother for so long and i don't, i just feel like im out of place with them. we'll see whats up good to get out of the house. can you believe the lead singer of the cure is 40?! im amazed by that, yet its kinda funny, cause all the bands that i love or listened to when i was younger, theyre all getting up there and that scares me. only because the music thats out now will never be as good as it was. theres few bands like the tea party, i cant even think of anymore at the moment, but they actually are amazing at what they do its not all this cookie cutter formed bands. you know what i mean? what will happen when the bands like U2 or The Cure finally stop making music?

*yawn*

today i think my lack of sleep from tuesday night has caught up on me. i woke up at 7:30 when lisas boss called cause she slept in yet again. so i was pretty awake at that point, but i turned over and made myself fall asleep hehe. then jen phoned at 11:15 and woke me up. somewhere inbetween there laura phoned and left a message for lisa. what game is on sunday? lisas suppose to go with laura and if she doesnt want to she wants me to go and i have no idea what game? anyways, so i went to see jen for lunch always good. 'cept i told her about bella and i to go right into another conversation or the two of us i think would have been a crying mess in the middle of the food court lol. then i came home for a lil and went out to do some groceries. i thought i was going to die lol. i was so exusted. i hope im not getting sick. well actually i almost hope that i am, get it done and over with for the year. then i wont be sick for chistmas or anything. oh christmas.. can anyone tell im really excited about christmas? lol i dont think its that obvious is it? lol.. i know ur all dreeding the snow, but think its not that bad! by christmas theres really hmmm 2 monthes left and they'll fly by! and its snow!! like jump and play in it! so much fun!! anyways i guess im going to figure out what to make for dinner for lisa since jens not coming over lol

to sum up today...

:o)

:o)

well hello. so i dont think ive been writing as much i used to so im going to try a lot more to do so. today i had a great day. im not sure why. maybe cause its because the sun was shining. i didnt go out or anything. poor car probably thinks im neglecting it. lol i know they dont have feelings. i talked to cae today and he always puts that smile on my face. i just wish he didnt live in brazil. to far of a drive to visit him! :o( then i dunno rob popped on. that made me happy. i get so nervous when people just stop talking to me. like i've done something and i dont know what. 99% of the time i havent i guess im just kinda insecure about that from when i was little. i hope one day that'll go away lol. so i started physio with kirk yesterday. well i had my assessment tomorrow it my official first day i guess. makes me feel good. finally get on with things. its a nice feeling for once. lets see what else... well im getting things ready for christmas. yes already! ive been collecting all my addresses im 95% there i would say. just need a few like robs, freds, kyle, possibley lukes... some family memebers... thats always hard to do. well if any of u guys read this that u know u havent given me ur addy, well email me or something cause it involves and invatation im gonna send out. :) anyways, i guess i better go to bed or something.

pretty good weekend all in all

so its sunday. its raining again. this weekend has been pretty good. i've spent the weekend at mom and dads looking after maddie. mom and dad went up to the cottage with friday to the cottage with bella to spend some time with her. so, yesterday lisa was doing some work over at the neighbours, so she was in and out of the house. laura came over around 5 and made us dinner. it was pretty darn good! she made us a chicken stir fry over some noodles. pretty yummy. then her and i went out for some dessert. we went to main desserts. i love that place. i had some choclate caramel cake with a latte and she had the chocolate royale cake with a mochachino. so good. we had a pretty good talk about all sorts of things. it was nice to do with laura, we dont get to do that too often. so today, its just veggin in front of the tv. classic bodyguard is on. i swear they look at the weather when they decide to put this movie on. ever cold damp sunday put this movie on hehe. for some odd reason i always cry at the end hehe. why i dont know. i should also probably have a shower at some point before mom comes home. at least ill be able to see bella, probably for the last time. which makes me incrediably sad cause i love my bella. somethings are just not fair in this life. im gonna try my best to be strong around her. show no fear, and she cant know. and ill be ok. now im off to the shower, maybe actually get changed today.

mmmm cheese

so today was a pretty bad day i must say. im really sad about my bella boo, every time i think about it i wanna cry but i guess thats to be expected. timmy took my out to dinner tonight. i think its almost what i needed. i feel a lil better. its probably part that its the weather, and ive had a tad of a headache for the past 4 days. and i keep getting the hick up today omg! its driving me mad! im looking fwd to the weekend though. im going to mom and dads on friday and looking after friday and maddie til sunday. is it wrong that i want aquadoodle? the kids lil doodle pad. so lets see what else.... i guess theres not a lot. my life has turned incrediabley boring as of late and ive decided im gonna change that ... soon .. i hope lol. anyways im gonna finish watching reba and go to bed.

My little boo...

ok why do these weird mornings happen to me? i wake up and i check my message from my wake up call. always mom. can i look after the dogs this week. pfff! like she need to ask. i better call her back. so after that i limp downstairs and turn on the computer as per usual. go potty and turn on my coffee and come sit. out of the corner of my eye i see something move and roem leaping to play with something. so i look down. there is a FROG an inch away from toes. after saying omg about 4 times i found somethings to put over it. a frog... a frog?! its not like a mouse or something. it ended up being lisas frog, i have no idea how it got out, but let me tell u i was so close to phoning lisa and telling her frog was jumping across my living room floor! on the other hand im pretty sad today. lisa told me last night that my Bella boo has cancer. bella is fridays sister. we got her when she was 7 monthes old cause the people that has her could have any pets anymore. so she actually is from the samae litter as friday. but then i got sick and everything and mom couldnt control 2 dogs so she gave bella to her best friend. so they're probably going to put her down, and ya im hugely sad. im gonna try and see her which will probably be the hardest thing in the world to do. anyways im gonna go have my shower and everything. go give mom my mail lol. its actually a bill so maybe i should go see dad hehe. ok but before i go since it just came on, has anyone seen the nike commercial, where the ice is melting and it says "bring it back" its so great hehe.

this is torture

everyday my heart breaks a little more waiting for something true for something real. i want to feel anything beside what im feeling now. im thinking of the next few monthes. of christmas, and how after christmas is coming up and after that new years. once again a new year. where does time go? even though this year has felt like forever to me, yet its gone by so far. i dont want to spend another year alone. i hurts to think about it. everyone i know has someone this year. i feel wrong for hating it. im suppose to be happy for them and everything, but it just makes me hurt. i dont like it at all. it puts too many thoughts in my head. i want to come home, only to come home call up someone and say hey, can u come over. spend hours in silence or talking just to be next to someone. possibly have them wake up beside me in the morning, as they leave to go to work or i go off and start my day off right. screw breakfast, to see someone off in the morning is the way to start the day off lol... i dunno, im really not happy this week. (just ask james lol im sure im driving him nuts by now) i find myself hoping on every situation that i know ill just be heart broken. im trying to put up my gaurd but i find lately its just not there. i feel weak anymore and just say screw it why even try to do anything. everytime i put myself out there something just kicks me in the ass. i need to feel again and need to do something drastic to do that again. soon.

what am i doing?

ok thats it, im falling apart. its happening again. im trying to put up a block and its not working. im sinkning and fast, and i think its gonna hurt. and i have no one to catch me. how do i change the way i think? maybe cause i dont get what im doing wrong. if i could understand that, then i think id be good. i could figure it out. it might take a few years but one day i wont cry. i dont expect much out of my life. i just want to be happy and have someone to be happy with. im 23 years old and dame it i just want some lovin! i want to work on my catering. thats it. i just dont think its that hard. is it?

heres to..

So its sunday, almost to be monday. im home. cozy and warm. i spent the weekend at the cottage for the last time before mom and dad close it down for the winter. its been a long day. left the cottage at about 1pm, got home at 5ish? then i took rob home at 6 to london, and then home by 8:45. im tired. but i have that sense of "awwww home" kick up ur feet and veg. i missed home this weekend i think. maybe cause it was cold and wet at the cottage. or maybe it was the driving home that makes me just love to be home even more. little things all the way just remind me of different people. seeing the sign for eagle lake road makes me think of rob, passing the rocks reminds me of my other rob and "the canadian sheild" lol, a song on the radio by the muse makes me think of Leighton and driving home from ottawa, various little things, that just make me smile inside. i can't wait just to get home, and open up my laptop and talk to all my friends, or turn it on do some things around the house and come back and have messages waiting for me, making me feel like im loved lol. people notice me when ive arrived home. hehe it makes me feel great. mom would always say to me "stop sitting there on that computer, go out and meet people!!" i try to explain to her that this is how ive met most of my friends and good ones at that and she just doesnt get it. how it keeps me in touch with friends and a lot of my family that i havent even seen in 5 or so years. people tell me how i can't live without my computer. i can live without my computer. i just cant live without my friends. and well i just want u all to know that ur appreciated for every little thing, and i dont think i could ever live without any of you.

p.s. anyone want a really annoying bird?

Apple Dapple Cake

1 & 1/4 cups of oil;
1 3/4-2 cups sugar (depending on your apples)
3 eggs;
2 tsps vanilla
Put these 4 into mixer and combine.
3 cups ap flour, 1 tsp soda, 1 tsp salt, stir together add 3cups of diced apple (4 med)
1 1/2 cups nuts (walnuts or pecans)
grease bundt pan or tube (just use pam) bake @350 for l & half hours

Topping: l cup of brown sugar: 1/2 cup of butter or margarine , l/4 cup of milk, boil together for l & 1/2 minutes, pour over hot cake - let it stand for 2 hours and then turn out got any questions just message me :)

My grandmother brought this cake to us for thanksgiving and i loved it. and i told her this lol. so she sent me the stuff so here it is...

Christmas dinner...??

good afternoon all! so its wednesday. thats crazy. i feel like i just got home from the cottage and im going back tomorrow. its the last weekend for me at the cottage til april :( that just sucks. we really need to winterize it. oh well we'll see. but the great part is that dads going to get a boat so the sooner that next season comes the faster we get that boat and go fishing! hehe i think hes really excited about that. which makes me even more excited about it lol. anyways, so lets see, how was everyones thanksgiving? mine was alright. just not like they used to be i guess. we used to always get together with the whole fam but since grandma died it just hasnt happened. it makes me sad. i never see my aunt and uncle now nor my cousin. its just a christmas thing now and it just seems like everyone is forced to be there or something. oh well. more exciting news though! i get to do christmas at my house this year. im so excited. its either here or at aunt jackies. but i said i would do it. so thats that. lol it'll be work but i think it'll be worth it. ill have to lock mom out though. she'll tell me how to do things etc and want to be there at like 8am. good thing i took that key away! im also trying to figure out whens a good day to do a dinner for all my friends. so guys if u have any suggestions let me know! i asked rob and he says brocks off on the 9th, so that didnt narrow anything down for me. lol im thinking the week of the 11th-18th an evening or the weekend of the 18th? just let me know what works k? i should brobably just wait til closer to the date. and i dont know if im gonna do a turkey dinner thing cause that'll be two turkeys in pretty much a week for me and that might be crazy. maybe ill do some beef? woo that might work. anyways, im meeting jen for lunch so i shall talk about this later lol.

oooo to wake up to mom...

so its midnight, i should have probably gone to bed like an hour ago oh well. i have to get up at 9:30. moms gonna be here at 10:15. i might just kill or something. lol not the best wake up call for i tell ya! i cant wait to hear the "this place is a mess!" u know the when she mutters it under her breath but really she does it loud enough u can hear her when ur upstairs. last time she came over before i was awake and she was sitting on the couch reading a paper i almost crapped myself! lol like literally i jumped lol its was bad lol. ya kinda annoying. i really dont enjoy waking up to mom lol but shes taking me to see my doctor. gonna get the knee fixed up or book surgery or something. i really have no idea what im doing tomorrow besides seeing a orthopedic surgen. lol this cyst thing. ew gross lol. anyways, so im kinda getting excited about this weekend! thanksgiving and all i cant wait for dinner. apple pie, turkey, gravy, mashed taters, hello heaven! and maybe ill bring some ice cream home this time. did i mention yesterday we went grocery shopping and got ice cream? yeap and its alllllll gone! lol wait til lisa finds that one out! LOL oh its so good. anyways i have to go to bed now lol Happy thanksgiving everyone! hope u have a good turkey day!

and then there was ice cream

today was pretty interesting. well not really but i feel i wasnt home the whole day. even though my day started at like 3:30 lol. i went out and got my ultrasound photos of my knee. thats a big mamma cyst i got there! its something like 5.7 x 1.4 x 4.2 cm! like EW! ill find out what were doing about it on friday i guess. that should be hell and a half cause moms taking me to that appointment. but im hoping theyre not gonna torture me lol. so im watching queer eye for the straight guy and they have these photo wires. i think i need them. i have so many photos i think it would be perfect just to hang them on a wire lol. *must do research* so also today, lisa and i went out shopping for her and groceries. we picked up some new steel toes shoes for her they look really nice! so much better than her boots. we also got some bulbs for spring time. that should look nice! while grocery shopping we got some heavenly hash ice cream i think weve finished half the tub already lol SO GOOD!! and for dinner i had breakfast hehe. i had egg, tomato, ham, and a slice of cheese on an english muffin. it was so yummy. im pretty darn full now. kinda nice for once though. has anyone listened to the new about those two horses and the pony and how theyre starved? how sad is that? and one died today. if laura knows about that shes gonna be sick about it. poor things. aww lil animals so cute. oh well im off to bed i think.

parts of childhood...

ok so i was talking to rob (yes jen again!) and i started thinking about childhood. i found it incrediable weird. i dont remember anything from my childhood. i suppose its not all that bad. like theres little things i remember. mom always says i get my hospital room mixed up between my transplant and when i had the chicken pox. she said they put me in the exact same room so its not a doubt that i got it comfused. but i sit there and i listen to my sisters talk about when we were young, and i wonder why i cant remember anything from mine. maybe cause i was so sick. u know how they say u forget tramatic things in ur life? maybe its just everything in my childhood ive forgotten lol. i wish i could do that now. just forget everything bad thats happen to me since like highschool, maybe... well everything lol before hand too. i was talking to jen about tv shows we used to watch hehe. she thought it was crazy that i sisnt watch seasme street. nope i was into strawberry shortcake, my little ponies, g.i joe, transformers, carebears, shera! REAL american hero! hehe oh the good shows what ever happened to those? mr rogers, todays special, u know all those good ones hehe. ok now im completely beat so im going to bed. these migranes take up too much of my life. i have one for a day then spend the next day recovering from it i hate it.

so much for so little.

oh to the weekend. this weekend went by really fast. as most of these days seem to be lately. last night was james' birthday. oh such a funny little man when hes drunk. at any time infact. lol i did nothing really today. took jason home, bagel theif! :op then got some harassing phone calls from mom. went to the grocery store and i got some things to make stew. came home made stew hehe. then jen came over after work and we watched tv. i probably wasnt the best company cause im a tad tired from last night. but im sure she understands that. then mom stopped by, saw jen and i think she was going to bitch at me for something but didnt cause jen was here. she did mention something to me outside, but of course with mothers u just have to ignore it. i think she just wants to start petty arguements for the sake of fighting with me. like why bother? and lisas home now. i think im gonna go to bed cause im tired. i have a dentist appointment tomorrow which i really dont want to go to cause im getting a filling. some how my tooth chipped. *sigh* i hate going to the dentist. i went in for a cleaning the other day and i didnt sleep the night before cause i hate it so much. i think its cause of my dental hygenist. we call her blood and guts cause u always leave bleeding from that place. lol anyways off i go to bed. *goodnight moon*

and on goes my thursday...into friday..

so i went to have a coffee at the burlington boardwalk? if thats what u wanna call it. it was supper pretty tonight for some reason. maybe it was just me. the bridge wasnt too busy with cars and it was rather quiet. and the moon was all full and perdy and stuff lol. have u ever been driving or been driven i guess lol, anyways and it seems like the rest of the world just goes away. its just u and the music. just wondering. it happened to me tonight there was no one behind me driving, and the other lane just seemed to no be there lol. and on the way home i had a sad moment so many things went through my head about a certain someone and yeap turned me to a little paranoid freak. but im better now. the person proved me wrong. its just my insecurities taking over my brain lol. and im sure ur probably thinking what the hell is she talking about but i know i know. just ask me or intrust that yes im still a crack monkey. will someone PLEASE come see Ladder49 with me? please please please?! with a cherry on top? anyways rob told me i should go to bed so maybe i should do that lol. coffee is still work btw.