this is torture

everyday my heart breaks a little more waiting for something true for something real. i want to feel anything beside what im feeling now. im thinking of the next few monthes. of christmas, and how after christmas is coming up and after that new years. once again a new year. where does time go? even though this year has felt like forever to me, yet its gone by so far. i dont want to spend another year alone. i hurts to think about it. everyone i know has someone this year. i feel wrong for hating it. im suppose to be happy for them and everything, but it just makes me hurt. i dont like it at all. it puts too many thoughts in my head. i want to come home, only to come home call up someone and say hey, can u come over. spend hours in silence or talking just to be next to someone. possibly have them wake up beside me in the morning, as they leave to go to work or i go off and start my day off right. screw breakfast, to see someone off in the morning is the way to start the day off lol... i dunno, im really not happy this week. (just ask james lol im sure im driving him nuts by now) i find myself hoping on every situation that i know ill just be heart broken. im trying to put up my gaurd but i find lately its just not there. i feel weak anymore and just say screw it why even try to do anything. everytime i put myself out there something just kicks me in the ass. i need to feel again and need to do something drastic to do that again. soon.