what is wrong with me?!

alrighty, so its monday evening. i blogged about 4 hours ago but some reason the page did load right so i lost everything, so i apologize if this is short..er... hehe. today went really fast for me. i woke up, and went to physio, as for all mondays. my knee feels a hell of a lot better the past week or so. kirk say im almost done physio, which is cool yet not. hehe i kinda enjoyed going out and driving, and exercising and stuff. i'll have to start going to the gym again or something. i really miss it. so this evening i went and i kidnapped friday from mom and dads. shes so cute! she was so happy just to be coming with me lol. so we went down the boardwalk in burlington, by st joesph brant. she was so happy! it was nice to see that for a change! on the way home she tried to keep her head on my arm but i had to move her to shift gears, which i always feel bad about. anyways, so when i was leaving moms place dad pulled in. hes too funny sometimes. i started to pull outta the drive and he got out of his car and started to walk towards me and he has a bottle of wine with him. lol 8 dollar bottle of red wine, he gave some to lisa yesterday too hehe. hes so impressed with this find lol. i have yet to try it but ill tell ya how it goes lol. anyways, what else, ive been very babbly there have been a couple of new people message me the past couple days, and im hoping they dont think im weird in a bad way cause ive been very in ur face i think, which i dont think is really me... maybe it is? lol i dunno. im getting tired so im gonna end this or im gonna end up rambling about this that i dont want read or something lol.

oh its friday?

so friday.. well its a little uneventful lately. today i went and got my car checked. all is ok with my brakes. just have to wear the pads down then they can all be fixed. that'll be a nice bill when that gets done. i talked to them about my glowplug and how its not coming on and such which i really need to get looked at before it gets really cold or my car aint startin! so i asked if they could do that there cause its diesel and he said to bring it on tuesday and they can check it. so i guess thats what ill be doin on tuesday. anyways, so then i went to moms and called kirk. he phoned me back and told me that heather (his wife) had been in a car accident this morning so i dont think we'll be going out. lol i guess not! hope shes doing alright. so then i told mom, and she asked me to go up to the vets and pick up Bellas remains. like umm ok thanks! so i took friday with me. i think she knew. cause we went into the vet, and she was all whining until i told her that she wasnt there for anything. then she stop, silly lil dog. but then we got bella and i put her in the front seat with me, friday took on sniff and layed down in the back and didnt move the whole way home. so i think she kinda knew. people say animals dont know and such, i really dont believe that at all! the whole time i was sick friday wouldnt leave my side when i was home, or when i went to stay at carol and dennis' house bella slept beside me the whole time and wouldnt leave til i got up, or the fact that i left a sock there and she found it and slept with it. they have to knkow things! so anyways, i took boo bell to moms and then left, came home for about an hour and put some laundry in and then i met up with jen at 5 in the food court for her break. then i shopped in her store for an hour trying on some stuff for christmas, cause i really have no clothes that are of the "nicer" sorts. so i told mom and she got mad at me cause i put this outfit on layaway and she said dont buy it ill go in and pay the rest. i was like umm ok. like im gonna argue that! mom hasnt bought me anything in so long so its pretty good hehe. and i told her for christmas if anyone asks just get me gift certificate for clothing stores. cause i really need some! so that was good. then i talked to my aunt after that, and she got an email from my uncle. so weird. this is so the Sway part of my family, if someone has a problem, they talk to all other family memebers instead of the person they have to talk to. like hello?! so i guess my uncle didnt get my invataion for christmas eve that i sent him about 2 monthes ago, like he needs one though, for the past 30 years christmas even is always the big dinner, its just a matter of whos house. but anyways so he was complaining to everyone but me i guess. so somehow because of all this according to him lisa and are on crack, which i find incrediably funny! cause everyones reaction to that was, is he on crack? anyways, so i emailed him and all is good now, hes been invited and he wrote back so i know he got it. anyways, then laura phoned me and i think were going shopping tomorrow for christmas stuff. we figured out lisas present which is good. then the rest of my evening has consisted of cleaning, finishing my laundry, vacuuming and im gonna mop the floor shortly.. i hope. im getting kinda sleepy so i might just watch monster then go to bed. yet itll only take me like 2 minutes to mop the floor so maybe ill just get off my ass and do it. hehe so off i go! maybe tomorrow will be a little more eventful!

thursday night and none of my shows are on!

ok so people have been sayin ive been neglecting my blog and im sorry. hehe ive been wanting to write but havent really been in the writing mood i guess. i just dont know what to put lately. things are pretty much the same. ive been working on some stuff for moms catering. went and rented the stuff for the party. that was kinda fun hehe made me feel all professional hehe. what else did i do this week see i cant even remember. physio on monday and wednesday of course. dads birthday was yesterday, so on sunday we went out to dinner lol. i dunno why we didnt go yesterday but oh well. but it turned out good cause i ended up going out to dinner with timmy. we went to the keg and mmmm it was so good! yesterday was a long day but it was good :) so tomorrow looks like im gonna take my car in to get the brakes checked out cause my light came on for that, and then takin kirk and heather to the go station. then my evening well i have no clue. tuesday im going to see alfie. im so excited! im gonna go with paula. should be fun :) anyways, im really tired yet again. so im off.

what should i do tomorrow....

my mind is a complete blank today. maybe cause ive been watching tv all day. jen lent me season 6 of friends so ive been watchiing that. of course i had physio today. it was super duper fun! lol so my brain is complete mush pretty much all day. i didnt have a great sleep. i was pretty much tossing all night, which should of been my first clue that id wake up with a migrane at some point. so 6 am sure enough was a little numb lol.. so i got smart and bought some advil migrane stuff so i came down and had some, then i turned to shut the cabinet and walked into it lol. ya it hurt. kinda got a nice bump on my head now. hehe thats ok just what i need to do is loose more brain. but the good thing was it took away the numbness. then i went back to bed, and really didnt want to get up but i rolled out of bed at 11:30. i was so tired, i just didnt want to move lol. but i got up and went to physio hehe, then on the way home i went to fill up on gas. OMG! desiel was 88.2 cents! what is up with that?! its over 10 cents more than gas! so not fair hehe. anyways so after that i went to moms and got some brownsugar for the cake mom wants me to make. then came home and have been watching friends all afternoon hehe. im gonna have to go out and buy the next sets for jen so i can watch it hehe. anyways im gonna go make some ganache for the brownies and eat a banana with the left over chocolate hehe.

my poor bella boo...

today, well its been interesting. ive been rather tired all day but i kinda woke up around 9pm. i had physio today, that went alright kinda blah like. i think it was the rain icky day it was. so after physio i went to moms. talk about her house being freezing! she had all the windows and doors open. maybe yesterday but not today shes crazy! i printed her some invatations for her "neighbourly tea party" its turned into her annual event. its kinda funny hehe. so after that i came home, did some research for dad about tents for moms yet dads dinner party in december. moms pullin a "if i dont get my way im not doing it" and then dad i think is seeing it more way. im finding myself putting myself between the two duking it out. im sure we'll figure it out. i hope, cause i really don't mind the work. then mom phoned later this evening and let us know that on monday bella was going to be put to sleep cause shes not making it through the night on her pain killers and stuff so shes really starting to suffer, and we can go see her if we'd like. i dont think i can do that. just to weird with people in the room with me hehe. just sitting there and crying or something. so after that i headed over to lauras to tell her the news. around 10pm i thought she'd come down and see me but no, i had to go up the four flights of stairs, which surprisingly easier i found this time then it was a year ago. actually i dont find that a surprise cause i think this year ive become a lot stronger in some ways, after that whole trasnplant stuff. anyways, she took it alot better than i did. the other thing is i havent heard from my jenjenin like a week. this kinda worries me. of course! lol makes me think ive done something, but i know i havent cause even if either of has pissed either off we tell eachother. so shes probably been really busy. hopfully she'll phone me tomorrow. before i go to bed now, i just wanna give a big congrats out to my burlington rob for getting his new job. so happy for him! so night for now, im gonna be sleeping forever tomorrow i hope hehe so ill see u all when i get up! thats right i said u all! :op

yay catering!

what to say, i dont know. the past few days i think ive been feeling everything possible. im really happy about this catering for dad/mom but moms already driving me crazy about it. i dont think she really gets the difference between hiring and ask me to do something for her. she has to understand i know what im doing and leave it at that, and that i know what im doing and that ive done this many times before. so ive asked dad to come over tonight go through things, cause in the end hes paying for it so im going to clear everything through him. then im really tired over the past while, so i think its kinda taken its toll on me lately. for some reason ive been wanting to cry about like everything lol. which is messed. maybe im making up for the rest of my life or soemthing. happy stories, sad stories, thoughts about things, people, happy cry sad cry it doesnt matter just wanna cry lol.. its a lil bazaar. i have a feeling dads forgotten to come over. ahh well i'll just have to go back to his place. oh hes here. okie and hes gone. this is crazy. so many options. i just hope dad doesnt resort to a restraunt cause that would really suck for me. this week is going to be rather busy for me now i think. this would be great if i can think of how my parents fit 25 people to sit down meal. i'll figure something out tents or something. see now my minds in a completely different spot so im gonna stop writing lol.

the stranger

Thank you. Thank you for being there when everyone else in my life should listen and doesnt. i wish you were here more often. can i keep you here? here beside me, now and always? no, of course not. i'll open my heart to you and not next week or the next, maybe not even next month, or monthes. they'll pass and you tell me you, and i tell you i. we'll never meet. but ill feel this undoubtable connection to you. and one day, ill sit here and wait.. and wait. you wont show. and maybe wont return for some time. i'll think that i thought i was more than this to you, and in the end, i'll know i wasnt. but out of the blue you'll return. put that smile back on my face. with out a heart beat of thought i'll open my arms to you and be grateful to you just because you listened to me when everyone else didnt. and the words that i mean to say you'll never know. Thank you and if u didnt know I love you.

what an odd saturday evening...

ok where did that come from?! my evening just seemed like surreal or something. Luc, whom i met like a year ago, asked if i wanted to watch some movies with him. that was completely outta the blue. after i got a hold of myself it was good lol. for some reason im completely comfortable around him which i guess is good. i just hope that i see him more than once a year lol. we watched 50 first dates which is a really cute movie. i might actually buy it. and then envy with jack black and ben stiller. wasnt a bad movie but wasnt the greatest, kinda long. i had like two drinks tonight and i cant stop peeing its crazy. dads ultra filtration system lol. my kidneys too big for me hehe. which is great! i think the drinks also got me an extra kick tonight cause i havent eatten anything all day. that might be a problem lol. so lets see what else happened to me today. started making the cake for kirk. tomorrow i'll ice it etc. im trying to think of what icing i should make. ah well im too tired anymore so im gonna go to bed ahh *sigh* nighters world

im afraid of dying not of death..

so i just got outta bed. after laying there for about an hour. just didnt want to get up today hehe. i had a freaky dream last night that i didnt like at all. in it i wasnt feeling well, and i had someone with i dont know who it was but a b/f or something at the time. it was forsure a dream at this point. so i wasnt feeling well so i checked my sugars and stuff. even though im not diabetic anymore, i still have this parnoia. so in this dream my sugars were like crazy high so i called the hospital, and the girl on the other end, just freaked on me. and telling me that it was a sign of this disease and stuff and that i was going to die and all that. now that kinda hit home cause i do have a disease that i fear everyday of my life, and my biggest fear is that im going to die from it before i should. so i ended like balling my eyes out in the dream, i actually woke up not crying but after telling james last week that ive never had a dream of me dying and then have that it kinda scared me. i dont mind being dead, but do it quick, a car accident or something where im killed instantly, i dont want it to be dragged out and sad and depressing u know? that would just really really suck.

pt 2

alrighty, so i went to moms and finished my cake off. best cake ive ever made! i made the apple dapple cake, but i thought grandmas was a lil dry so i took the cake out thirty minutes before hand (went the top cracked) and took it to moms cause i didnt have the brown sugar for the topping so i did that at moms then i gave some to dad and he loved it hehe. ive never gotten the comments outta him the way i did with that cake lol. so thats awesome i got another under my belt hehe. then i talked to mom and dad (oi) about doing this party for them. oi oi oi! what have i done?! dad thinking the same thing as me, and mom doing the opposite but god only knows we have to do what mom wants *rolling eyes* side note it sounded like my sister just fell out of her bed... what is she doing up there?! anyways so im pretty darn nervous about this catering for mom, only cause i think its going to be pretty dame stressful trying to get mom outta my way. ahh well, ill see, non the less i think im getting paid lol. but the other problem is dad said the party is actually on the saturday the 18th so theres no way i can go to see kim in toronto that night nor can i have my party the night before. so *sigh* thats ok its money right! money is good. and my throat is sore last time i had a sore throat i thought it was my thyroid, and my doctor told me i had a cold lol this time i think its my thyroid cause i had bloodwork last week and they told me it was high so i think its that but we'll see hehe. but the high thyroid would explain why im so tired. well im just happy, except for the throat hehe. and im really tired so im gonna poop out.

pt 1

ok so now i dont know what to do. mom let me today that she wants me to do a 5 course meal for her because its dads 10th Anniversary for the business/christmas party. this is all great cause it goes under the business expenses and i can probably get away with charging mom my normal fee. but the bad part is... shes doing it on sunday december 19. this isnt good at all. i was going to have my christmas party on friday the 17th and then i was going to go to toronto on the 18th to see kim jarret in concert (karls sister (i went to school with)) so now what do i do. i could possibly do my party still maybe make it the thursday or weekend before, but everything i try to do to work around kims concert and its gonna end up that im not going to go. but i really want to, cause timmy was going to come with me and i might be able to see karl which would be great, since i never do. mostly cause he lives in b.c? now watch he doesnt even live there anymore cause ive been laking on my emails. oh well anyways. ill figure something out. but im really excited about catering. i was also talking to my uncle and he has some co-workers that might hire me, and that would be awesome cause then id get into the hospital staff and id really get my name out with that. that would for sure be great. anyways, im heading off to moms to steal some brown sugar so ill be back probably later. with more to vent about hehe.

I just wanna tell you how I'm feeling, Gotta make you understand

today today today.. it started off bad. mom came over at noon. i was in a huge deep sleep until she banged on the door a million times. until finally realizing the door is unlocked. so i wondered downstairs only to put up with her bitching about how i hadnt done anything while i wasnt home yesterday. but u know such is mom. then she continues on about how shes going to go to see a "counseller" and see how she failed as a mother or something cause she cant figure out what went wrong with us. i didnt argue it. i figure if she wants to see someone about anything, go for it she really does need it. and if her intent was to make me feel like a big failure, well that worked to. but im not going to start doing things just because she says to. she has this thing where if people dont jump when she says to jump she freaks out cause things arent going her way. as dad has started calling her "the princess" and it just gets worse ans worse. and anyone who knows me, knows that im stubborn and if someone tells me to do something, i'll do it on my own time and when i can. especially my mother. anyways, so the rest of my day was alright, i went to fortinos, and got some stuff to make a cake for kirk. came home talked to rob. for some reason always kinda destresses me. watching my shows, the OC, Apprentice and next up is ER. justin our next door neighbour came by and hes such a lil cutie lol, i bought some cookie dough off him. school fundraisers. im a sucker for helpin them out lol. i think im just a sucker. or maybe its that whole "im not going to be like my parents" thing. so i give to pretty much everything if ive got the cash on me. lol ya k im a sucker. for some reason i really feel like a good cake tonight. i should walk over to main desserts. na dont need it. and im in my pjs. not that thats stopped me before. anyways, im gonna veg now, maybe clean more *sigh*

today is just blah...

so today.. pretty busy i guess. went to return jens game with sarah and came home for three for mom. she was suppose to show me how to steam cleana the rug. instead she came at 4:30 told me how gross my house was and inturn put me down for about an hour and then steam cleaned my rug herself. then after she left i picked up sarah and jen and we went to the outback for dinner so yummy. now im just tired. so im going to bed.

so sleepy

so, last night jens birthday party. i think she had a good time. i did too, i was just really tired and i think i probably drove jen nuts cause well when either one of us are like that we argue lol. so jen sorry hehe. andre came and it was kinda nice to see him. i must admit i was kinda nervous cause i didnt want to end up hating him or something. its all good hehe. today i got up at well 10:30 then 12:00, and im so tired. i went to bed at 2 i dont think i should be this tired lol. i didnt even really drink last night. oh well hehe. so today im think im gonna take some brownies to kirk and take james home at some point. i feel like doing the steam cleaning today. maybe ill try it. if not ill ask mom to come over tuesday. oh blah. i dont have anything going through my head at the moment to put down so maybe ill write more later.

oh so tired...

so ive been up since 7:30am. i went to bed at 11:30. how do people get up any earlier than like 10am? im so tired. its gonna be one of those crazy days i think. i have things to do for jens party tonight. gotta make the brownies, pick up the cake, take jen to work 10, make mom some appitizers, pick up the house a little, get some pop, beer, maybe something that i wanna drink, have a nap at some point. although if i have a nap i have a feeling ill be worse off. maybe as soon as i get home from dropping jen off. i think i just drank too much apple juice. my stomach feels very blooted at the moment. i also think theres something in this house thats making me sneeze. when i hop into bed i sneeze like 5 times its very weird. speaking of weird... my bird pork chop is very weird. turns out she actually has a tumer on her which i find kinda gross. but shes had it there for like a year or so, i thought it was something up with her rib cage being like off centre or something, but lisas friend sarah came over last week and told us that wasnt so. im still going to tell myself its something with her ribcage otherwise thats just gross. lol so lets see i have to think what ive got forr tonight, ive got chips, halloweenie chocolate bars, cake, chicken wings, brownies. its truely a jen party when the candy stuff outways the real food. oh and i have spicey quesidillas from mom. she wants me to keep half so that what im doin. anyways i guess thats it for this morning. i may blog later who knows.

YAY JAMES!!!!!!!!

im bad, its 12:30 and i havent done my exercises today. well ok not truth ive down three of 6. im sorry kirk im bad. but i did those three before i went and go my bloodwork done. then by the time i realized i didnt finish, i had bloodwork done and they take so much from i feel tired afterwards. so its probably best i didnt do them, cause i would of probably done something worse to my knee doing them cause id fall over or something lol. ill make up for it tomorrow i promise! im pretty tired, physically today. i went out with sarah, jens cousin, and we got her presents. and typical me, ive spent way too much on this whole thing. ive got food, and presents. it just pretty much all adds up. then ive also got the cake to pick up on saturday? i think.. ya saturday around 4pm. oh! omg while i was at the mall sarah and i went into one of those photobooth things. so bad omg! the flash is so bright i swore i was going to get a migrane. i think i still might, i started to get one but took a midol and it went away, but i guess theres still the night and tomorrow. which i hope im ok, cause i have to pick up james tomorrow evening. i hope its good driving weather. so i think ive got pretty much everything cleaned up i just have to vacuum and mop. maybe pick up a few things here and there. then ill be all set for saturday. i feel like everythings happening tomorrow night though. probably cause im getting james. im really in the mood to clean right now. just go on a crazy rampage but im too tired at the same time. maybe ill just go to bed. yeap i think so. so good night all, i'll write more tomorrow if james givese me some time :op yay james! i cant wait to see him! and for a whole weekend i feel so privlaged hehe. oh! p.s. happy birthday to jen jen now thats its past 12 hehe!

middle of the week that feels like a day ahead of what it is...

11pm. im pretty awake, yet im yaening like mad. probably cause of that evil kirk person. so afraid of monday, no torture because moms there! today was killer enough for me lol. but it was all good cause, well its better than me sitting on my ass right? i should start that walking thing jen and i talked about. going a few times a week, if i can get ur butt out there. mmm my so called life is on.. jared leto so yummy. what ever happened to him?? ahh well. so after physio with that horrible person kirk hehe i went to do groceries, but then realized as i parked the car and got out, that i was suppose to go to moms after physio to get her groceries for me to make her appitizers for saturday. so i went to her place, and she has the new sewing machine. madness! but i got my pants done i have anew waredrobe hehe. so while she sewed, i went and got groceries. came home and she tried other pants on me and then she needed more bobbins so i had to go out and get those, and go to the bank for her, then finally went back to her place. 4 hours and amazingly enough we had a good time! we didnt fight even though there were a couple times i got annoyed but went out for groceries lol. in my new wardrobe lol and romeo is snoring. oi the big snoring cat hehe. so things on the schedule this week... jens birthday, i have no idea whos coming, except about 6 people which is good enough for me but im sure more people will come it is jens family lol. so i got the chicken wings, im gonna make brownies, and i ordered a cake for her i think shes gonna love it hehe. and i got some chipies and dip, maybe put some veggies with that. and yes i didnt make the cake, too stressful for me lol. maybe ill go out and find some cheap chocolate at shoppers. tomorrow im going out with sarah, find jen her present, see how much things are. spoiled little jen i tell ya. ahhh well anything for my friends. i saw my cousin amanda today. which was really weird! cause ive been talking about her all week with mom. it seems shes going to mexico or flordia over christmas, and my uncle probably wont be coming either. since grandma ded things just havent been the same and that sucks. but i guess ill just have to start thinking of throwing those family traditions out the window and make my own.

im exusted.

its only 6:15 and im stressed out. usually this hits me later at like 10pm lol. i think winters coming and this means stressful season for me. lisa gets less work, less money and everything comes down on me. this house is my dream i will not let her loose that for me. just because she cant figure out her life. everything i do around here is never enough. no matter how hard i try its never good enough. laura came over and i think start this mood im in. tellin me how me doing the nielson ratings is another ploy thing and blah blah blah, and shes talked to dad about it, and he didnt like it either. i feel like im always fighting with my mother, sisters, and now dad. like i have to prove myself. i dont think i should have to do that with my family. and ya ya i know theyre just worried about me. i can only take that to a certain point anymore. i even told jen today that i felt like just moving home and saving money. i would probably die. cause really moms house isnt home to me, she makes one feel like youre not even invited to be there. maybe i should just keep paying rent here and leave lisa to fend for herself over the winter. maybe that'll work. i think whats really upset me is the dad/laura thing. like if u have questions, or concerns talk to me. dont assume things. it really bugs me. its that whole if u have something to say about me good or bad, im here talk to me. it makes me feel like the person ur talking about while standing there. like hello im here! my whole life ive had to fight everything and everyone to prove who i am, i want to stop, i just want to be... happy again

nothin exciting...

good evening! so lets see.. my weekend. it was pretty good. friday jen came over. we spent the day together pretty much. went to toys 'r' us. that was fun. i got trivial pursuit 90's and a ball for my knee exercises. i swear everything from my childhood is coming back hehe. u got my lil pony, cabbage patch kids, care bears... it so GREAT! i might have to buy some hehe. so i have physio today. kirk is the worst doctor ever! lol just kidding (:op) i think it was a good knee work out for me today i went and had a 2 hour nap when i got home. i dunno weather that had to do with my super cozy bed at the moment or that i was tired, maybe both? anyways, so friday night a dude came by and now i do the nielson ratings on my tv. which is kinda cool and jen is all excited about it lol. shes always telling me to remember to watch shows for ratings lol. i can see how it might get annoying but i think it'll be alright. :) then we went grocery shopping. saturday i dont think i did much. in the evening i went out with jen and her friends to red lobster. then went back to brants house. which sarah and i just wanted to go out and do something rather than sit around. but thats ok. i left around 1 i think. then sunday was halloween. i ate too much chocolate hehe. we must have had like 10 kids. i gave them about 3 each lol. didnt even make a dent in the 2 boxes of chocolate i bought lol. ill have to give them away to everyone lol. maybe put them in a box attached to the porch or something. anyways im gonna go make something for my dinner.